what am I doing?

This question is always anxiety-inducing for me to answer standing next to who I am. Because I tend not to say “that’s it”. It’s hard to say certain things when you feel a constant brain-fog. I was the “silent” child.  It never bothered me, I liked my own realms in my head keeping them to myself. I could be anybody out of my body. “Silence” was -in a way- my break, a space to just be. A foggy, neutral space. Somebody told me that silence is uncomfortable and lacking -something to fill in.


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The thing is that silence has a presence but it’s fragile. When others’ voices started to get into my realms, it bothered me. It bothered me when their words had the power on me speculating who I am. It bothers me when somebody throws definitions, categorizations to the ones who are silenced or keeping distance, when bodies are seen as a realm to be commented on and an object to the gaze. I hated that our identities are structured in fixed determinations. I liked the fluctuating nature of being, the vague side of it. I’m thinking of silence as an in-between space to think out of the structured reality. Somewhere to break the norm.


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So, what am I doing? Like a reflex, I take self-portraits and I want to develop a deeper understanding about the reason why I’m doing it. When I place myself in front of the camera, I feel like I can build my own perception of myself, my body and question the gaze that we’re taught. Camera creates a temporal space for me to just be which gives a feeling of intimacy that I’ve never felt before. Furthermore, looking at what I took before, I can see the presence of silence.

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